Overland and Borders

So it’s a lovely day today…. still cold in the breeze but nice enough to be outside if you can get out of it. So the 15k steps are still talking to me…..all the time. Awake at 6.30am and set the GoodSam app to on duty. Waiting…

We both took the dogs out this morning, didn’t get anywhere near the number of steps in…. was slowed by my companions…. 🧔🏽🐶🐶🐶 truth isn’t I’m just not feeling it today, I’m still tired. When we got back and after the obligatory coffee, Craig had some work to do so I decided to tackle the spare room… it’s been my dumping ground for all the things I want to sell on eBay over the last few months. I am actually going to post a photo of how bad it is. This blog is gonna be nothing if not honest!

I’m trying to sort into piles for charity, piles for selling on eBay, piles for the camping shed (which is still a work in progress!) piles that we might want to keep and as usually happens.. a whole pile that I have no idea what to do with. Being off sick for so long showed me how much junk we had collected over the years. As I learned how much connection and love mattered, I realised that possessions are nothing. My sudden increase by 2 or 3 dress sizes didn’t help either! I now have bags of size 10, 12, 14 just lying around in the hope the bloody stepping makes a difference. My wardrobe is full of 16/18/20and even a 24!!!!!!!!! So I know the steps need done but I really need to put my feet up and write this… see what I did there??!? Feet are now up, excuses made. The room upstairs is nowhere near finished!

Maybe a bit more background as to how I’ve found myself with so much time on my hands, Covid-19 not withstanding. (Now that some people might actually be reading this….. 😱) I’ve had a career in manufacturing since I finished Uni in 1995. It’s all I’ve ever known. I became pretty career driven in those early days always wanting to be senior management to hear what was going on behind those closed doors. I was lucky that my salary grew every year though sadly in the female way where I was still earning a lot less than my male colleagues. At the start that never bothered me as I wanted the recognition for my efforts. Ooooh and effort I gave… in barrow loads… shed loads… bus loads…. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone round about me to be happy, I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to see how dedicated I am. I want no one to fault me, no one to be able to pick holes in my efforts or my convictions. So…. I’m customer facing and I like to keep the customers happy, the factories happy, my team happy…. the whole world happy…are you bored yet? Can you see how impossible that was? Over the years I battled on, those who worked with me will have been aware of my rising stress levels but this kind of behaviour is impossible to keep up. Imagine then coming home and trying to make sure the house was ship shape, the dogs were walked, fed and so it goes on. Never any time or concern for me in there. Then the tears become unbearable. I’d cry at everything and then cry at my crying and keep crying. I had failed everyone, I was worthless and I thought everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. Looking back on those darker days I can’t believe I could logically think that but I wanted to feel better, wanted to get back to work, wanted to be normal. I relied heavily on my amazing support network of family and friends and even virtual friends I met through Dry January. They were a constant source of support and praise. That’s all I needed. Just someone to listen and not judge me, to hug me (as that was allowed in those days!!) and to tell me everything was ok. It was ok not to be ok.

So after a year and a half of dark days, self loathing, fear and more tears than you would ever think possible I am finally coming out the other side. Coronavirus is horrific but we are blessed not to be that touched by it yet. Sadly yesterday 786 people in the UK died from it, we still don’t know of anyone yet. We expect the worst is yet to come and lockdown will continue for a good bit yet. While many suffer with their health, their lack of wealth at this time, I am strangely relaxed and content with this new way of life. Everyone has joined my new crazy life of being at home all the time! Now I cannot go out there is no excuse for staying home. It suits me just fine for now. No pressure to do anything. Just waiting for the GoodSam alert to go off!!

Have never attempted any other stitch than the granny square crochet so thought I’d finally try. Going to make myself a hat. It’s already too big for my head but that’s ok…. practise makes perfect. Just had a lovely across-fence-socially-distanced-up-ladder coffee with Claire from next door. So nice to chat!!

We watched the film Pandemic tonight… a wee bit close for comfort, just heard the death toll for past 24 hours in the UK is 854, it’s getting higher almost every day. The film starts with flu like symptoms too… 😢 crazy watching known that we have Covid-19 for real….. 🤯 let’s see what tomorrow brings.